Tuesday, 27 May 2014

A Letter to my 16 Year Old Self... (and 17... and 18)

In three months, I turn 20. This is insane to me... how can I possibly be turning 20? How can I possibly be leaving my teenage years behind? I was thinking back to this time 4 years ago, when everything seemed perfect and I had big plans for my life. I decided to write a letter to my 16 year old self, which soon turned into a letter to my 17 and 18 year old self too; for me, turning 18 was only two years ago, but I feel like a different person. I found this process quite therapeutic, and I hope you enjoy having a read of it.

To the Chloé of 2010-2012, 

    Things seem pretty great right now in 2010, don't they? You've finally left school behind you... along with all those girls that made your life hell for years. It all feels like a distant, but still painful, memory. That pain is dulled a little more each day by the new challenges that college has brought you, by getting your first real job and by getting to spend a few hours every afternoon seeing the love of your life.

    Yes, you do think he's the love of your life. He's not. He's just a kid, the same as you; totally confused about what he wants, and in about six months he's going to start the slow process of breaking your heart bit by agonising bit. In about twelve months from now, it'll all be over and you'll feel like you've wasted the last two years of your life with someone who didn't love you at all. In about 18 months from that moment, you'll have an epiphany and finally understand that sometimes, people just grow apart. He'll blame it on you, and you'll blame it on him, but really it's just natural. Horrible, but natural. 

    I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be pretty horrendous, and some days will feel like you're reliving the agony all over again. I promise you though, despite the fact that you'll still dream about him occasionally for longer than you'd like, and sometimes you'll still look for him in other men, one day you'll wake up and the pain will feel less like a stab wound in your chest, and more like a pin prick. One day, you'll walk past him in town and hold your head up high and plaster a smile on your face and you won't go home and cry afterwards. I promise. 

In the meantime though, you're going to be a bit daft. It's okay, I don't blame you. Here is some advice that might help;
  • Rebound relationships are anti-climatic and they won't make you feel any better.
  • Flirting, however, is good for a single girl. Get out there and talk to boys. It'll give you back some confidence. 
  • Don't send naked photos of yourself. To anyone. Not even that guy you really like. (Alternatively, make sure you have photos of him too... for blackmail purposes.)
  • Laugh out loud. As much and as often as you can. Pretty soon you'll realise that you're not pretending any more, you really are laughing and having fun.
  • Most importantly though, be with your friends. Lean on them. Have parties at Ela's house, get tipsy and dance to Beyonce's Single Ladies with them. You have wonderful friends. Let them be there for you.
    The next few years will fly by; some people will stay in your life and others will leave. That's okay. Let them. You're so scared of change, and you don't need to be. You're so scared of being alone, but you don't need to be. Between the end of your relationship in 2011 and the end of 2012, you will have three flings. All of these will be pointless, and all three will hurt you in some way or another. You are worth more than that. Stay single for a little while, and no, DO NOT get involved with that guy from university. (I know you will anyway, you won't be able to resist.) He'll hurt you too, unintentionally. Learn from it.

    You will fall in love again (give him a chance, you won't be sure of him at first but seriously, go on that second date), you will do well at university and you will start to love yourself again. You'll be nearly 20 years old and still clueless about what you want to do, but you will be okay. I promise.

Love, and good luck, 

Future Chloé. 

PS, Start drinking more water and always take your makeup off at night... you're lucky with your skin now but as soon as you hit 18, it gets pretty iffy. Also, you're really slim right now... make the most of it while it lasts!

PPS, Visit your grandparents more. You don't see them enough.

Like I said, despite the fact that I was revisiting some extremely painful memories, I really did find this therapeutic and cathartic. There's a lot more I could have spoken about, but my failed relationships during this time period left a permanent dent in my confidence, so I felt they were the primary issue I was facing when I was 16, 17 and even 18 years old.

I hope you had a lovely bank holiday weekend, I'll speak to you all soon.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

My New Dressing Table

I wanted a dressing table for so long, and a few weekends ago I FINALLY bought one. I found it in a local antique shop, along with the chair I'm using with it. The mirror was £9.99 from The Range, and it matches the dressing table perfectly... such a bargain and I'm so thrilled with it! The little fake plant in the white pot is also from The Range, and it was £2.50.

The lamp is from Sainsburys, and was just £4.50 in the sale. The heart shaped bowl housing some of my everyday makeup products was also from the Sainsburys sale, I think it was £2. The little macaron trinket box was from notonthehighstreet.com. The tiny jug is from the same antique shop as the table, and the cream wire rack holding my makeup was from TKMaxx.

The fresh flowers (carnations and gypsophila) aren't on my dressing table, but they're sitting on the window sill next to it; I just think they add a little something. Fresh flowers really brighten up a room and I love picking them up from supermarkets where they're fairly cheap.

I'm really loving having somewhere to sit and do my makeup, despite the fact that I've had to sacrifice my desk space! What do you think of it?

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Macaron Failure...

Thought I'd post these photos today, as I took them last week and thought they were quite funny. My brother and I attempted to make macarons... as you can see, there's no photo of the finished product as they were absolutely awful. 

In other news, I had my final exam this morning so I can finally get back into blogging! I'm super excited to get writing again and focus on things other than university.

I hope you're all well!

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Fluffy Goodness

I'm honestly in love with this fluffy face. (Yes, I do have five rabbits. Yes, I am nearly 20 years old. No, I don't care that I get called a "freak" or "weird" on a regular basis.)

I just thought I'd post this sweet photo of Nahla from a few weeks ago, to make up for the fact that I've barely been posting at all recently. You know when you just have nothing valuable to say? Yeah, that. I have nothing to photograph or chat about, and I'm supposed to be revising, so for the next week I'm afraid that my blog will probably continue to be a bit boring. 

I have however uploaded quite a few YouTube videos recently, so you could always pop over to chloemurray1994 on there if you're bored ;) 

I hope you're all well!